And What to Say Instead
When someone loses a loved one to suicide, the grief that follows is unlike any other.
It is heartbreak layered with shock, unanswered questions, trauma, and often an isolating silence.
Most people mean well. They want to help.
But after a suicide loss, words matter deeply — and certain phrases, even when spoken with good intentions, can unintentionally cause pain.
This guide is not about shame or perfection.
It’s about learning how to show up with compassion.
What Not to Say
1. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Even if you’ve experienced loss, suicide grief is deeply personal and complex.
Say instead:
“I can’t imagine the depth of this pain, but I’m here with you.”
2. “They’re in a better place.”
Spiritual statements can feel dismissive, especially when someone is in shock.
Say instead:
“I’m so sorry. I wish they were still here.”
3. “Everything happens for a reason.”
After suicide, this phrase can feel unbearable.
Say instead:
“This is unfair, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it.”
4. “At least they’re not suffering anymore.”
This may unintentionally suggest the death was a solution.
Say instead:
“They mattered so much. I’m grieving with you.”
5. “Did they leave a note?”
Curiosity can feel invasive and traumatizing.
Say instead:
“I care about you. How are you getting through today?”
6. “Why didn’t they get help?”
This implies blame — toward the person or the family.
Say instead:
“Suicide is complicated. This is not your fault.”
7. “You have to stay strong.”
Survivors don’t need strength demands — they need space to grieve.
Say instead:
“You don’t have to be strong here. It’s okay to fall apart.”
8. “I would never do something like that.”
This creates distance and judgment.
Say instead:
“I’m so sorry they were in that much pain.”
9. “Time heals all wounds.”
Time does not erase suicide loss — support helps grief soften.
Say instead:
“I know this will take time. I’m not going anywhere.”
10. “You should talk about something else to distract yourself.”
Avoidance can make survivors feel more alone.
Say instead:
“If you want to talk about them, I’m here to listen.”
What Suicide Loss Survivors Often Need Most
Sometimes the best support is simple presence, not perfect words.
Here are things that truly help:
- “I’m so sorry.”
- “I’m here.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I care.”
- “Can I bring dinner?”
- “Can I sit with you?”
- “Tell me about them.”
- “You are not alone.”
And one of the most powerful:
“This is not your fault.”
The Most Important Thing: Keep Showing Up
Many suicide loss survivors experience something called secondary loss — people disappear because they feel uncomfortable.
But grief lasts far longer than the first week.
Check in after:
- one month
- six months
- the anniversary
- the holidays
Support doesn’t require answers.
It requires presence.
A Message to Survivors
If you are grieving a suicide loss, please know:
If someone says the wrong thing, it does not mean your grief is too much.
It means the world still has learning to do.
You deserve gentleness.
You deserve support.
You deserve to speak their name.
If You Need Support Right Now
Text
HOPELINE
to
741741
The Center for Suicide Awareness is here for suicide loss survivors and families walking through unimaginable grief.
You are not alone.
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