My Coping Was the Gym — Until It Wasn’t

Purpose:
To share a personal journey of coping, loss, resilience, and learning moderation — and to remind others that healing isn’t always about replacing what worked, but learning how to care for ourselves differently when life changes.

After leaving a 14-year abusive marriage, I found my coping in the gym.

Not casually.
Not occasionally.
Fully.

I was there 6–7 days a week.
Every morning at 5 a.m.

Running.
Weights.
Leg lifts (my favorite).
Then racquetball or basketball.
Work.
Then at least a five-mile walk when I got home.

It was my routine.
My peace.
My control.
My survival.

I lived off protein shakes, supplements, and — for good measure — a few carrots. That’s an entirely different story.

🧠 Movement Was My Meditation

I didn’t shoot hoops for competition.

There was something deeply therapeutic about:

• the sound of the ball hitting the court
• the echo in an empty gym
• the rhythm of racquetball against the wall
• the swish of the net… nothing but net

I was a numbers girl.

Shooting from each spot around the net.
Miss it? Start over.

A game of one.
Me versus me.

That was my version of Zen.
My meditation.
My way of processing everything I had survived.

💔 When Your Coping Gets Taken Away

One morning, crouching to grab a racquetball, something felt off in my hamstring.

I went home.

The next day I could barely walk.

I still went to the gym — because that’s who I was — but I couldn’t run. Couldn’t lift. Stairs hurt. Swimming? Nope.

I was told to stop.
Rest.
Let it heal.
Do nothing.

Do nothing?

It crushed me.

I felt robbed.
Paralyzed.
Stripped of the one thing that helped me stay steady.

The depression that followed was heavy.
And no — I didn’t immediately find another coping outlet.

🔄 The Cycle of Pushing Too Hard

About a year later, I was excited to go back.

I felt good. Strong.

So I did what I always did.

I pushed.

Lifted too heavy. Too fast.

And re-injured myself.

Over the past 11 years, I’ve managed to injure myself six times.

Yes. Six.

Moderation and I were not close friends.

🧍 When Routine Changes, Identity Shifts

I also had a walking route I loved — one I did religiously.

Then I moved across the city.

New neighborhood.
New surroundings.
Not my route.

For a year and a half, I refused to walk.

Yes — refused.

I didn’t want something new.
I wanted what felt familiar. Safe. Mine.

Eventually, I caved and started walking again… but it wasn’t the same.

And the truth?

I wasn’t stuck in my environment.
I was stuck in my mindset.

💡 The Moment That Changed Things

One day I had a simple thought:

“You have a car. Drive to your old route and walk it.”

So I did.

And I’ve been doing that for the past two years.

Driving to my favorite path along the river.
Walking it.
Then driving home.

Why?

Because I can.
Because it still brings me peace.
Because I don’t have to “settle” just because life changed.

❤️ What I Learned (The Hard Way)

It took me more than nine years to learn something I wish I understood sooner:

Moderation is not weakness.
Rest is not failure.
Slowing down is not giving up.

Coping is not about pushing until you break.

It’s about caring for yourself in ways that allow you to keep going.

I had to learn:

• to listen to my body
• to let go of all-or-nothing thinking
• to adapt instead of force
• to make myself a priority

Not just in motion.
In healing.

💬 A Reminder for Anyone Who’s Lost Their Coping Tool

Maybe yours was:

• the gym
• running
• work
• routines
• caregiving
• staying busy

And maybe something happened that took that away.

Injury.
Burnout.
Life changes.
Loss.

It’s disorienting.

It can feel like losing control all over again.

But healing sometimes means learning new ways — or gentler ways — to care for yourself.

Not replacing what worked.
Evolving it.

🤝 You Are Allowed to Adjust

You don’t have to go as hard as you used to.

You don’t have to prove anything.

You’re allowed to:

• move slower
• start again
• try differently
• protect your body
• protect your peace

You’re allowed to make yourself a priority.

📲 If You’re Struggling

When coping tools change or disappear, emotions can surface quickly.

You don’t have to navigate that alone.

Text HOPELINE™ to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.
Free. Confidential. 24/7.
#HOPELINE741741

Center for Suicide Awareness
Honoring real stories, real healing, and the strength it takes to learn how to care for yourself — again and again.